i’ve been blue today. hoping to tease out this feeling… this edge and find its root but not through trying. just breathing. noticing. a rough-sketched bird, maybe a crow, stirs me and i can't quite place it. then a song by Radiohead: "Weird Fishes/Arpeggi"... annabelle says the music reminds her of driving through trees spilling sunlight rays in rhythm. this helps, too. what am I sad about? there are several good guesses. all about trying. or failing. yet i woke from a dream the other morning and felt awe. understanding slipped through someone’s hands, down on the floor through a crack in the cosmos and into my head before waking. i knew something so clearly… a whole section of my thesis materializing: Communion. that's it, I said, moving my feet towards the floor. Communion. not consumption. these days i’m swimming in someone's wisdom. but when I come up out of the waters and they drip off, it’s like it never happened. the droplets eventually evaporate from the tension of my skin. Communion. a celebration of what is. the error is thinking there is anything to grasp. it is already within. it was always already there.
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