I wonder.
curiosity and the feminine approach to healing our spaces
We have been living in a world defined by deposits for a long time. We deposit things. Ourselves. Our ideas. Our desires. Our assets. If we want something - some territory of real, intellectual, emotional or perceived property - traditional power structures teach us to put ourselves out there and claim that space. And of course with a deposit always comes an expectation.
So we assert ourselves… and we win sometimes. If we lose, we assert ourselves somewhere else. Men are taught this method above all else. To spread their seed in all forms. Women who have increasingly entered into male-made constructs must traditionally adopt the same approach to gain respect. Only, as we “gain ground” in these spaces, many are starting to realize that the time has come to learn a new way - one which balances overzealous seed-scattering. Yes, we can spread inspiring seeds or even be seeds, but we can also be fertile earth. We can co-create in a myriad of ways. Yet only one way has been generally accepted as “American” or ‘brave” and that type of scattering is often uninvited - an important nuance.
These spaces which women and feminine-forward-folk have pushed and pulled our ways into need to be reformed. These spaces of home, work, fellowship, growth and connection need balance. We must learn from a new approach: one that is far less determined to be certain and correct, and is more attuned to wisdom.
Which leads me to “I wonder…”
Who wants to wonder? Who wants the vulnerability of uncertainty? Traditionally, certainly not us. Not we who have been taught to assert ourselves with confidence - to have an opinion on Will Smith, Putin, medicine, science, storms, race, gender and anything else within arm’s reach. We were trained well to deposit. And to withdraw, or “harvest.” But we were taught very little about the whole context -the whole garden -and the wisdom of the bigger picture. If we are not preparing the spaces we nurture and lead with a more comprehensive approach, I wonder what will happen next?
Who has shown the way to a collective shift? Women. People of Color. The LGBTQIA community. Those with disabilities. The wounded. These friends have reminded us, even when we were resistant, that we’ve become stuck using one blunted and inappropriate tool like it was the only one that existed. Sometimes I see this image more like a snow blower sputtering seeds on a dry tundra. None of it works. Nothing is prepared in this scenario. Nothing grows.
People who know this to be true have led us as well, and thus have centered these “outlier,” or rather, marginalized communities in their work - asking good questions. Consider researchers like Brené Brown. Consider faith leaders who understand that standing in front of a room full of people sitting quietly and preaching to them is only one, limited, long-tried way of engaging faith.
People don’t need to be told what to believe. They need to be taught how to wonder.
We need to be taught how to be receptive. We need to become gardens.
Deposits only work if they build something up in us that can be withdrawn. Like empathy and courage. And the domination approach doesn’t actually make the desired deposit in anyone. It is a lie. But don’t take my word for it, just think about your own experience.
Yesterday I saw people take to their keyboards when Will Smith smacked Chris Rock at the Oscars. We were all in deposit mode. But if you looked around, you may have witnessed some voices of curiosity. I found this most from Black women. Questions. Wonder. Frustrated Longing. “What if’s?” How is it that those most hurt by our culture are still managing to be gardens? Or at least asking others to try it out? This is a miracle about which I am filled with wonder. I know better than to ask an exhausted person to teach me. But when it is offered of someone’s own accord and inspiration, I am awed and silenced.
Who are the voices who are teaching you wonder? I wonder what would happen if every time we get geared up to make an uninvited deposit we stopped, checked in with Wisdom (a divine presence indeed) and started asking questions instead.
In my feed yesterday I particularly admired Dr. Irie Session who asked, “Is there a way we as a community can talk about the night’s events in a manner that is more constructive than condemning of the human beings involved?
What can we learn?”
Wonder is open and receptive like fertile earth. It isn't certain. It is intentionally uncertain. Wonder is rich and teeming with potential. A garden has not arrived at this ready state from weakness or by accident. Much work has transpired. Much preparation. Wonder lives in questions, not rushing to answers. The divinity of wonder is feminine, and all genders stand to learn this approach, mastered by those who have heard enough talking, thank you. Wonder isn't looking to offload tension but creates something new from it, and watches it grow.
Beautifully written! Also, it's a bit serendipitous that you wrote this almost exactly a year before our "Divine Feminine" weekend.