“God bless the tenderhearted, who love us face to face.”
I'm sharing this sweet little song with you to round out 2023 (see below) and some reflections on tenderhearted-ness.
Today I spent the afternoon with my parents and on my mind the whole time was the tenderness of my father.
Some of you, among friends I know, have a father who was not always the best. Some others of you I know have had, like I have had, a very gentle and dear dad. Lately, Dad tears up a good bit in my presence and shares a lot of his observations of gratitude for life. There is so much wisdom in his gentle humility. He embodies what Brennan Manning referred to as the “wisdom of tenderness.”
Today Dad was reflecting back on all the support he has received from my mom (as she sat right there) and he was thinking about all the people who came around to support him when he finished his dissertation all those years back… and it just brought him to tears. He didn't brush them away or become remotely self-conscious being in a restaurant. He just remembered and felt it all from a time when he couldn't believe people believed so much in him. Dad has been reading that old dissertation lately and thinking back on that portion of his life. As a very privileged white man, he agrees that this sense of humility and gratitude is important and I know that his is exceptionally rare. Every time he shows that side I wish I could bottle it up and keep it to share.
This is partly extremely selfish because I don't know how I will honestly live in the world without it around me. It is so life-giving.
My dad’s tenderness is what I'm used to. I can't find anything like it anywhere.
I want to be around someone just like him the rest of my life. Someone in love with the natural world. Someone who knows rhythms of quiet and has a sense of independence and adventure about them. Someone who likes to do projects and hobbies and someone who cares deeply about being present in the moment. Someone who doesn't mind interrupting everyone and encouraging them to watch the sunset because it's more important than other things. The wisdom of tenderness.
I hope I can maintain mine. The problem with us tenderhearted people is that when we hit the skids we hit them pretty hard. And often we bump into other tender hearts whom we were seeking exhausted solace in. It can be painful when we implode together because the world needs us and we need each other.
We can't give up on each other. We are all weary. Let's normalize these implosions and regroup.
The future needs this wisdom. But not before we learn how to protect such vulnerability. It needs backup. It needs support.
I appreciated my dad's tears today but there was also a little jealousy… I'll be honest. He knew his privilege and he knew his support and it deeply endeared me to him all the more. Yet he also knows that some of that support came because it was expected for him to receive it through a high functioning wife well-prepared for the task. Mom rocks, no doubt. They both hit the jackpot. But I know how hard it will continue to be for me to find the kind of emotional support I need to be the person I'm called to be.
Women and other beautiful marginalized creatures such as Queer folk or Neuro-divergent friends often turn on each other without even realizing their own internalized biases against each other's leadership and against each other's individual needs. We need supports. We need each other.
The world is aching.
Or maybe it's enough to just say I'm aching.
But hoping.
A new year is here.
Sara Watkins
God Bless the Tenderhearted
God bless the tenderhearted who love us face to face
Untempered and unguarded, they see through our mistakes
They've had loss and been broken - more than we may ever know
But it's the tenderhearted who let life overflow
All the pain a world can bring bruises more than we see
I couldn't take another hit, the light's turned off inside of me
So I built a wall around my heart, keep it in and keep it out
But nothing when surrounded survives but fear and doubt
God bless the tenderhearted who love us face to face
And share the loving kindness they were given on the way
They've had loss and been broken - more than we may ever know
But it's the tenderhearted who let life overflow
Yes it's the tenderhearted who let life overflow
Writer(s): Sara Watkins